A day to remember - 11/ 20/2021

 I am writing after many days. I had a writer's block! Today, when my 3 year old daughter noticed something that wasn't surprisingly but sad. 

She exclaimed to her father " Daddy, why you don't like Mamma?" 

That naive innocent child was able to notice that her parents have drifted apart and don't like each other as much as they like her 

It sad, but a fact that we have nothing in common anymore. 

we have nothing but her left anymore 

there isn't anger behind our happy faces 

but there is no actual happiness behind those happy faces

it wont be too long that everyone will notice the distance 

the broken relationship that we cant piece together anymore

 life has been hard and we have been harder on each other 

even more on this naive soul who doesn't know what's coming. 

this was a day to remember. a day which I will tell her all about. 

Out of Control

There are days & nights when I feel 

Out of Control & out of my own battle with life 

While tears roll down my eyes 

I wipe them to self doubt & self pity 

If I was just seriously Naive or just Stupid back then

Out of Control I was then , just 10 years back 

When I just wanted to get married and settle down 

With someone who would carry my baggage and lead me on 

I realise I was Naive and stupid to do make such influenced decisions. 

I kept on my ride and stride as a strong woman , supporting wife , unappreciated underdog 

I felt I was the leader in this journey , making my own decisions 

However realized it so late, that all my decisions aren't mine but only a sacrifice 

A compromise for a selfish dominating  husband . 

My life stands in front of me like a 

A series of regrets that I can't change.

Out of control , my life seems totally in Someone else's control. 

Rediscover your past

 The Past can be intoxicating , it can draw you in 

It can create the illusion that things were better or could have been better 

You were happier or the experiences would be richer back then 

It can also debilitate you

leaving you stuck & vulnerable in the memories of pain, heartbreak, disappointment 

holding you back from even attempting another shot at happiness 

They say if we dont learn from past mistakes, we are bound to repeat them 

But can we also learn to let go of the past 

learn to forge ahead , keeping the knowledge close 

but not letting it overtake our ability to try again, to feel again?

- Excerpt from " the last letter from your lover" 

Why do we think What we think - Part I

 We think what we think because We are unfulfilled souls

I am one , and him being another one

We think what we think because we miss the other side of ourselves,

the one that we wish to be, the one that is greener & 

the one that we think would be happier than this one. 

We think & think, but we overthink only somethings! 

We overthink about someone or some situations we can't live without in the past or future. 

We overthink because we can't live in the present. 

I overthink about someone, during my waking hours in the day, my mindful hours 

I overthink about him, stalk, meditate, fascinate rain or shine hours 

I am writing about someone I know for 12 years but mostly through a screen 

I am writing about someone I fell for, loved, drifted & again fell for multiple times 

I am writing about someone I never touched in person, but feel his touch in every bit of my body 

I am writing about someone who I regret of not being with when I wake up every next day

life has kept us only at mercy of a smart phone for so many years, 

that he starts feeling unreal, just a fantasy, just someone in my dreams 

The most handsome, tall, dark eyed, humble voice calling my name 

I stop, stumble, turn back to see if It's him. 

 

 

Mental Fatigue

 

When Days feels longer than Life

You keep yourself Engaged & wise 

2 months in second Lockdown, Life feels like its stand still 

The lockdown fatigue sets in & bogs you down

You still smile , with the hope of getting back to normalcy,

Because one day it will & you will see. 

You will look back to these days 

And be proud of every effort you put in, to make ways.

Proud of yourself & the ones you care 

For becoming a better & stronger version of yourself, now & elsewhere. 

  

Own your decision

 12-05-21

Life has been very generous , I am grateful about that.

A loving Family is all I could ask 

But life is full of mistakes, I regret

Only if I can make it right , and not look back. 

Marrying some stranger, who doesn’t think about anyone except himself

Leaving my career, just to get married

It feels so heavenly to start with, that feeling vanishes when reality strikes. 

You make compromises to keep moving ahead in life 

Ignore your intense feelings, that may possibly arise 

When you love someone, being selfish is not in the books

Instead you dedicate yourself to their nooks. 

Becoming a mother once was one of these dedication

To kill the boredom & loneliness

However becoming a mother twice would be a compromise yet again

You do mistake once, twice & but third time it becomes a habit

I don’t want to keep letting go & compromise my life 

For other’s happiness , for their selfish desires. 

I am going to make a choice for myself today

I am going to not compromise today!

For me to be strong & selfish 

Because I exist. Like literally.

No one to appreciate. No one to care.

I have to look out for myself all bare.

I can’t bring up a child in a world of misery, pandemic & hatred. 

I can’t bring up a child with male dominance. 

I have to stand up for myself & never look back. 

 

आई.

आई. 

I made this poem few years back , writing this today on this special occasion of my mother's 60th birthday.
आई ही कविता तुझ्यासाठी खास ,

तुझ्या सावली च्या पंखाखाली,

भरारी घेण्याची ताकद आम्हाला मिळाली ,

तुझ्या मातृत्त्वाच्या ऊषाखाली ,

गोड़  स्वप्नांची झेप आम्हाला मिळाली . 

तुझ्याशिवाय आमच जगणं काय ,

आमच अस्तित्व  नाही ,

आई तूच आमची प्रेरणा ,

तुझ्याविना काहीच नाही . 

जेव्हा लागत होते ऊन ,

तू दिलस आम्हाला सावली ,

कसे फेडू तुझे ऋण ,

तूच माझी माउली . 

अशीच राहा आमच्या पाठीशी ,

जर धडपड लो  तर उचलायला 

खंबीर राहा आयुष्यभर 

चुकलो तर शिकवायला 

आजवर काही ना मागता 

खूप काही दिलंस आम्हाला 

आम्ही मात्र कधीच 

समजू शकलो नाही तुला 

आज मिळाली सुवर्ण संधी 

मानते तुझे अंनत आभार 

आई विसरू शकत नाही कधी 

थोर तुझे ते उपकार !